I started this post Sunday, February 22nd, but never did finish it.
Right now, I don’t feel so great. My brain feels like it’s covered with fuzz. Moment to moment I continue to distract myself with something new. This is one of those distractions. So is the TV. Rechecking my emails. Brewing tea.
I have been hungry all day. I have been eating, and I have still been hungry all day. Hearty foods too, eggs and bacon, lots of avocado, tuna fish, a little rice, three salads, probably half a cup of some coconut derivative or another. There have been more foods, I think there may have been some chicken in there. So I have been eating all day, and all I feel is hungry. True hunger. The kind that squeezes your stomach.
The nutritionist I am working with said this today “keep up the great healing, it’s the only way to look at it.” Honestly, it really is the only way to look at it. If I think of this as a diet, I will fail. I have never been good at restricting my eating when I really want something (although cravings aren’t usually my thing.) But I have always been a good patient, the kind who follows the doctors orders as exactly as possible.
The first day I was knocked out by exhaustion – my boyfriend hadn’t been feeling well either, so there’s a good chance I was fighting something – and I decided to nap. That felt great until I woke up in such a rush to get food that I almost ran out of the house. I needed food that I could eat immediately, no delay. I ended up with sashimi from the Durham Market Place. Not ideal, but certainly acceptable in the throws of starvation. Or at least what my brain has started to perceive as starvation.
It’s hard, when you know there is something inside you tricking the part of your brain that runs your feelings, physical and emotional. The intelligent part of your brain wants you to shake yourself. IT IS NOT REAL. You want to scream at yourself. You are eating. You are not starving. You ate 10 minutes ago. You ate 20 minutes before that. There is no way you are starving. I promise you are not going to starve.
Update February 23rd, 2015
I never did finish that blog post, but I also never gave in to temptation. I did eat all the remaining avocado and coconut butter/cream in the house. So today is dedicated to getting more work done, Trying, at least. And restocking my sad looking fridge.
Yesterday I had gained a couple pounds – a good thing. My guts are likely inflamed and irritated, and they aren’t absorbing the nutrients they should be. This morning I was right back where I started with my weight, I may have in fact lost a pound. Wild, considering I’ve been eating almost entirely fats and proteins for the last three days.
I was going to go to a new place that opened in town over the last few weeks for lunch, as they serve a rice bowl on their menu that I can actually eat. It even comes with kimchi. But, it’s closed on Mondays. This is probably the definition of a “first world problem.”
The quest to regain control over my health continues.
[I set the picture of nasturtiums because I love that photo, and I haven’t been focused enough to even photograph what I’ve been doing. I plan to photograph any recipes that act as lifesavers sooner than later.]